It hurts ...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

We talked again after eight years . So much water has flown in the Ganga in these years ! I do not know how should I feel - sad? nostalgic? happy? ecstatic? Well, I feel none of these. All I feel is a sudden sense of hollowness inside and the worst thing is that I am not able to place correctly, the reason for feeling like this.

Am I feeling like this because something has happened which I had only dreamt about? Or is it because I do not feel any thing for her anymore? Or simply because so many years have passed and I am noticing the loss only now?

Memories, faded by time, come trickling. I remember those traumatic times of one sided teenage love. I remember the innocence. I remember the only obsession which used to fog my senses twenty four hours a day. I remember those nights when I used to shed silent tears feeling ashamed for my very existence, for being so ugly and useless, for being so unworthy of her. I remember all the effort I used to take just to get a glimpse of her face everyday - the way I would wait after her school or make rounds near her house just to see her - day by day, everyday for four years! I had convinced myself that I would die if I did not see her even for a single day. Today I realize that I lived without seeing her for eight long years!

I have moved on with my own life and my own loved ones. She is just a part of my past meaning nothing to me, or so I convince myself. She has been replaced from my life a long time back, but not from my dreams it seems. She is the only girl who has ever come in my dreams, in that world of my subconscious I still see her the way she used to be in our school days.... and I always loose her by the time the dream ends. I wonder how she looks like now, has she grown fat or still the same? Does she still look like an angel?

I do not know why am I posting this blog, it is too personal. But it hurts! Not like a stabbing- tearing pain but a mild ache which takes long to go away. The First love hurts a lot! Even for a cold hearted person like me, the pain remains ...

I wish I could sleep now ...

2 comments:

ganand said...

bahut hin MARMSPaRSHI post likha hai Purnendu bhai...dil ki gahrai se nikali hui aawaj lagati hai...

Daisy said...

Touching... but I guess the pain is still there because the love is still there.. even in the smallest of feelings.